1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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