I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
