New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
