How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
