when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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