Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
