my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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