My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
