I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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