When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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