Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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