you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
