Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
