im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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