when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How external is "for external use only"?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
