Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
