Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
