Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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