fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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