I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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