you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
