I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
