And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
