she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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