if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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