It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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