I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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