Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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