but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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