Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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