Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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