beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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