we have pet lesbian snakes
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
