I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Someone came in the potted fern
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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