Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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