Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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