You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
