I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
