I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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