im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
