dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
