yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
