Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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