I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
