dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
