I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
