hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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