I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
