One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
