I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
